monster in my closet

The feeling begins quite early, simmering below the surface, waiting anxiously for a trigger. And finally it comes. Happiness bubbles and explodes within me, exuded through my laughter and smiles. Nothing can ruin this moment now. I embrace the joy and the pure right of the moment. I'm fortunate enough to bathe in this bliss for several more hours. Even the slightest flaws and faults won't completely ruin my mood. I can feel it. Love overcomes Pain. I forget for the time being. When it ends, the delicious aftershocks of my euphoria linger just beneath my skin. I am apathetic to the pain and absorb the complete opposite. I am okay for the rest of the night and the following day. But when the happiness is spent and I am alone again...the thoughts from before, feelings from experience, my logical mind and sensitive heart, band together to throw me back down from the clouds. My dream state is shattered and I feel torn again. I see one thing and feel another. I know deep inside they won't accept, won't forget. I force myself to accept it. And it still hurts. I know they're right. But my heart is too. I try not to care, instead, laugh it off as if it means nothing to me. But it means a lot when two parts of my heart are at war with each other.

I can't be honest with him.

I can't be honest with them.

I can't be honest witih myself.

Oh Fine.

I'm a disappointment. I get it. Even after all the pain and war I've had to go through the one decision that I make to try and be happy is the one you all get angry for. Was it any better when I was sad sometimes? Or now when I'm sad all the time because no one will give us a chance to make it work? I GET IT. You're scared for me, you're worried about me, you HATE him. I mean, I appreciate you all care for me. But I don't want to stick around if you're all going to trashtalk him. You might as well tell me to my face I did the stupidest thing in the world. So maybe I did. But I'm the one sacrificing everything, risking everything! How can I make my own relationships work when I can hear you on the side waiting for a fuck up on his side? It's just the same as me expecting every one of you to disappoint me again and again over a stupid reason fighting with a friend. But I never call each of you out on it. I let you do what you want but tear myself up inside having to witness it and letting you all learn for yourselves how it feels to lose someone. It's happened since sophomore year. God knows it happened. Everyone knows it happened. I made mistakes too but I didn't want to lose a friend. I fucking got over myself. But when I take the one step to making me close to happy I can see the disappointment and the anger clear in your faces, your actions, deep inside your mind. So I'll probably break someone's heart along the way.

-No one got mad at you for not giving chances. I know I didn't. I accepted it. So why does everyone get angry at me when I'm about to do it? Feelings or not I just can't.

- No one got mad at you for having trust issues. For some totally different reason? You make me think you won't put me through the same thing. But I can still see the connections you'll make if you want to get mad at me for it.

- No one got mad at you for ending your friendship with him because you saw his potential to hurt me. OBVIOUSLY I should've listened to you. And that's a mistake on my part. But the pain I went through during this heartbreak just made me cautious. I won't even be surprised if it happens again. But no one will give me a chance to make it better.

You all know who you are. Do you really think I'm not strong enough to make this work? Physically. Mentally. Emotionally....Well, maybe so...I mean I've proven myself to be pathetic. Psychotic. The whole package.

The truth? I can't handle it? Because you can't? Maybe so.

I don't know what to do. I thought getting what I've wanted for sooo long would make me happy.

But I can't even be completely happy because on the inside I know you all want to berate me for it. Hurt him for it. I may be blinded by love. Why does the part of me that makes me care so much for a friend also make me stupid?

I mean...I don't want to be the girl we all used to gossip about. The stupid girl who goes back to the boyfriend who treated her badly. The girl who ends up hurting the nice new guy along the way. Yeah, I know. I used to talk trash about her too. It's common sense to just forget about the guy who broke her heart. Apparently my love outweighs all logic and common sense. Stupid me for loving everyone so much no matter how many times you disappoint me.

I don't make you feel bad about your choices...so why do you all have to hurt me over mine?

I made the mistakes. Thanks for rubbing it in my face.

-venting uncontrollably-

I know you'll defend yourselves. No need to. I know where youre coming from. But my heart doesn't feel it's fair. And it really isn't. I'm not being fair to him. He's not being fair to me. And in this end, I'm still the bad person. The only bad person here.

April 30 2009

Out of experience is a month of chances.

Oh, happy day...

I am:

If only I had the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Midnight Masquerade

It was actually pretty fun! Very pretty for something put together by sixteen year old boys! I LOOVED IT. only sour moment was when they played the pretty love songs. And I was feeling lonely. but crying sessions don't really bother me. i'm bipolar like that. i was able to enjoy the rest of my night. and catching up with guys from my graduating class! overdose of nostalgia!

and of course i'm happy for karen and roman.

not so much for myself and....

i'm really sorry.

i'm such a bitch.

To My First Love

What happened to us? How did we get this way? We were the happiest shit ever. Thinking of the memories still makes me laugh even though it may mean nothing to you now. Can it really be only a month that we've been broken up? Is it really that easy for you to forget you loved me, wanted to marry me even, just because we broke up? Are you really sure the reason you don't want to be with me is because you want to save me from the pain of not being with you when you leave to serve eight years of service to the military? Despite the fact that I'm willing to wait all those years...and that I even agreed with you that we'd do whatever we can to stay together to turn all these minutes of happines into years and years of happiness together. Your promises and sweet words echo in my head every minute of the day. At the beginning of our relationship you promised that we'd stay close friends even if we broke up. But why should I expect that promise to be kept, when you completely broke your promises to love me forever? Despite all the pain you put me through, the heartbreak, the shock of finding out you'd gotten over me so easily, the way you're treating me now, I'd still go back to you.

Stupid boy for playing me. Stupid girl for falling for your games.

 My love is different from yours. I won't easily grow out of it. Sure you meant everything you said at the moment but I meant what I said because I meant for it to mean forever.

I know I'm kidding myself when I say I'm over you. I know I disappoint everyone when they can see in my eyes that I'm still in love with you. Seeing you so happy, makes me happy, even when it's not with me. When we're out together with friends, no matter what you're doing...whether it's listening to your ipod (and ignoring me completely), staring off into space (thinking of her), or flirting with other girls (it still hurts me regardless), and you begin to smile,...I feel my heart tug and try to pull away from inside my chest. What can I say? You have such a beautiful smile, it still melts my heart.

How can I really know if I'm over you? The fact that I don't cry everyday and night anymore? That I'm more angry at you than sad now? Why do I even try to preserve our friendship when you still try to push me away? I don't want to be just friends. I still want what we used to have. What we used to share. But that was three months ago. Things changed, didn't they?

I don't know how to feel anymore. How to function. Half my heart doesn't want to love you anymore, wants to let go and forget you, the way you forgot me. But the rest of me keeps true to my promises.

I love you.

And that won't ever change.